Mommyhood

Even if Mother’s day doesn’t turn out as peaceful and lovely as one hopes it will be, I think it’s always a good time to reflect. I’m sitting here thinking about Mother’s Day and feeling quite emotional. For a lot of different reasons. I always think about the few Mother’s Days that I was so desperate to be one, and am still thankful that I am now a true member of the club. So, so thankful. I got my first post-IVF  negative pregnancy test the weekend of Mother’s Day, which was quite a slap in the face (and especially rude to my sister who just brought a baby home from the hospital and was forced to share our mom and mourn with me during her happy mommy time, and KC was in charge of supplying the flowers for all the mothers at church as well), so I have had some doozeys. I also remember well the first Mother’s day when I was finally pregnant, and it was the first time I started openly telling others about the big secret, cause I clearly couldn’t hide it anymore at only 12 weeks. That made the day even more awesome and surreal.  Amazing what a difference that year made

(I didn’t realize KC was taking this picture. I love how real it is)

So, it’s been a few years since then, and I have my three beautiful babies to call my own. A crazy, beautiful few years. (Oh, I miss those squishy chubs.)

Some days I still feel like I’m just babysitting, and wonder when their mom is going to come pick them up. Some days I feel like my life is so rich, I don’t deserve it. Some days I’m so filled with amazement at how smart, loving, and beautifully they’re growing up despite this crazy environment we live in. Some days, I say right out that I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS! Some days/weeks/months I feel so overwhelmed and unsure of my sanity, I’m ready to be done. With everything. When there gets to be too many days/weeks/months like that in a row, it’s hard. Harder than anything I’ve done. There is just never pleasing anyone, and I’m usually very last on the list of those that I get to please. And why must the children say the funniest, cutest things when I’m still fuming from the naughtiest things they just did, when I can’t fully appreciate it?! It’s just been a long run of tough times, and I feel terrible that my kids most often see me as a angry disciplinarian that has more stress than I know what to do with. I’m usually glad that they are still too young to remember most things.

Then, sometimes when I’m sitting there with a perma-scowl after a very long day, I think about why I used to have this expression constantly on my face, when I was so sad that I couldn’t be a mom, and then I’m upset with myself, and feel a lot of guilt for not being more thankful everyday. I knew having kids wouldn't be easy, and I never promised myself I would never complain when I finally had them, cause I knew that wasn’t going to happen. But I did think that working so hard to get them would make times like this easier. And while it doesn’t make the constant fighting, messes, and disregard for every single thing I say any easier on a daily basis, I do think about it in the quiet moments to myself, so maybe it is helping after all. I’m just not quite sure what to do with the roller coaster feelings and emotions being a mom brings out of me most of the time, and when my brain is so jumbled like that, I remember, and am so thankful to know, that I’m privileged to raise these children. They aren’t just mine, but more importantly children of God, and knowing that I am doing all of this hard, incredible stuff for Him makes doing all this so much more rewarding, and fills me with a sense of relief. I’m sure I’d have a lot more doubts if I was only doing this for my own happiness and worth.

 

I’m not trying to be all negative, but I want to be real. And I guess I needed a little bit of a vent as Mother’s Day came rolling around. This is hard, hard stuff. But praise the heavens that the good moments are so, SO good. Good enough to forget all the hard. Much like when I found out I was pregnant, and my heart instantly felt lighter and more happy than ever before, despite the years of weight it was carrying. I think I experience little bits of that every day I deal with the high and lows of being a parent. I just need to remember how important it is to have the hard times because of how grateful it makes me for those blessed good times. Those kids are the most wonderful little people I know, and I don’t even let myself think about what my life would be without them. We aren’t a perfect family,  but there is definitely love here. A lot of it.

(All pictures from this post are taken on or around Mother’s Day.)

P.S. We love you, Moms! More everyday when we realize what you went through when raising us! A very happy day to you!!