Thursday, May 28, 2009

Packin' on the pounds.

So, apparently I have to gain some weight. A lot of it, actually. We are reading this book to make sure we do everything we can to keep these babies in as long as possible, and get them as big as possible before their blessed arrival. Well, I should say KC is doing most of the reading and relaying all the most important points to me. It's quite nice.

But I tell you, it is really something when your husband is constantly telling you, insisting rather, that you need to eat more, and gain more weight. I guess the chapter on proper weight gain was an eye opener to him, and now he is bound and determined to help me gain the recommended 50-60 lbs! Yikes, those numbers scare me. Of course, I was in denial when I first heard that that is what is recommend for a triplet pregnancy. I'm not really one who is accustomed to eating a lot. Before I was pregnant, I was very aware of when I was full, and was content to stop there. Of course now I can, well have to eat quite a bit more. Actually, I'm amazed at how much I can pack away. But honestly, 50-60 lbs? The more KC reads about how much the weight gain influences healthier birth weights of babies, the more he monitors and makes sure I eat often, and eat the right things, because it is pretty hard to do this myself. I get so full so fast, and sometimes, food is just torture. He sometimes coaches me through every bite if he has to, and provides positive reinforcement when I've eaten to his satisfaction. I really can't complain about this guy. Who doesn't want a husband that tells you that he'd like to see you gain weight?

Hopefully soon, I'll be taking in those extra calories like it's nobodies business, and it won't be hard to put on the extra pounds. Who knows, maybe I'll gain more that recommended amount by, um, accident. But just remember people, when you see the whale of a person that I will become, just remember that it's the doctor's orders, and it WILL come off when I know these babies are here safe and sound, and I have control of this body again. Working out seems like such a luxury right now, since I have been told to even stay off the elliptical. I am only aloud light walking and swimming, until further notice, when they might take those privileges away as well. I never thought I would miss my workout so much. But again, eating as much as I want, sans exercise seems like a dream right? I better enjoy it while it lasts.

Right now, while they are small, I guess they don't need all the extra calories and weight that I am putting on (seriously, my behind gets bigger every day). But it helps to know that I am building up a fat storage for when they need more than I can provide. Hopefully they will eat this body out of house and home, and leave me with just a little to work off. I can dream, can't I? I just keep telling myself that that is such a short time in the long scheme of things, and my babies deserve my undivided attention right now. Even if it means putting my pride aside, concentrating on every bite, and becoming a very large person for a time. That frame of mind took some getting used to, but I think I have finally decided to embrace the changes that my body is going through. I might never do this pregnancy thing again. I might as well enjoy the perks now.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

As productive as I can be.

So, we didn't do much as far as holiday festivities, but I do feel like we got a lot done on the house. I'm trying to consider that a success, even though a lot of it has been undone by now. And the fact that I can only do about 30 minutes of anything before a pounding headache kicks in, or I'm just plain out of breath. Or, of course, I have to eat. So that I was able to vacuum, deep clean the kitchen, start cleaning out the closet in the soon-to-be nursery, finish my book, and throw some laundry in, sounds like a great weekend to me. KC did a ton of work inside and outside, including giving my car a good inside cleaning. Gotta love him. So, until my 2nd trimester energy kicks in (if that ever happens), I'm calling it productive, and I'm quite proud. But I have to say, the best part of the weekend was having this view from my horizontal position on the couch, instead of the usual lonely one when I stare at the computer most of the day.

Oh, and just to update you on my scary eye, it now looks like this.

Or this when I'm looking at you.

I guess it's the kind of thing that looks worse as it gets better. It surprises me every time I look in the mirror since I don't have any associated pain and I forget. I was reading up and it looks like I'm going to have this bad boy for another couple weeks or so. I hope I don't scare any little kids in the mean time.

Friday, May 22, 2009

A need/hate relationship

Now that I am a day away from 14 weeks into this pregnancy, I'm officially into the second trimester, and that just seems crazy. I see it as a huge accomplishment. When I was six weeks, I thought this day would never come. I mean it seems that it has really flown by in some ways, yet it has felt like it's moving in slow-motion in other ways. As amazing and exciting as the first trimester has been, the lovely side-effects of having something (or somethings in my case) take over your body can sometimes put a damper on that excitement. Don't get me wrong. Everyday when I look in the mirror and see my belly grow before my eyes, my heart does jump with excitement at what miracles have come about. But, leave it to morning sickness to change those thoughts in an instant. The relationship that I speak of in the title, is that of mine with food.

Food used to be fun. Something to create with, to indulge in, to socialize around. And now, and for the past three months, I have found myself eating out of pure desperation, and not enjoying hardly a second of it. I do have cravings here and there-lemon slush, watermelon, sushi, without raw seafood of course (gross anyway)- but sometimes I feel like I will never be the same. I turn my head at every food commercial or blog post (sorry everyone, I do love your recipes and can't wait to try them, just not right now), and cook as little as possible. Thinking of meals to make is so difficult, and it's hard to believe I used to love cooking dinner. I eat out for lunch way more often than I should, just to add variety and give myself a break from thinking of something to eat for once during the day. It's quite ironic that during this stage, I have to eat more than I ever have in my life, yet, it's when food seems least appealing. From the second I wake up (usually around 6:30) to the second I go to bed (usually around 9:30) food is my constant companion, just to keep the nausea at bay (I'm eating pretzels as I write). I carry bag of it wherever I go, and keep a kids table full of it next to the couch. And I recently found out what happens it I rebel and eat less than I should, and in a violent way at that. Anyone ever had this happen after a horrible puking episode? I honestly thought my eyes were going to pop out when it happened. I'll try my hardest not to let that happen again.
Anyway, not to bore or complain, I just wanted to say how grateful I am to have made it this far, and to be onto the next phase of this incredible thing called pregnancy, without the pure hatred of food, hopefully coming soon. I know many others that have endured far worse, and I give my giant stamp and admiration to them. Still, as depressing as months of couch potatoing, and eating through the gagging can be, thinking about the end result of my darling babies in my arms in merely months, always brings the greatest joy into my heart. Everyday is a day I thought would never be here. I still feel like it's a dream most of the time. And the Zofran my lovely doctor has prescribed doesn't hurt either.

I'll try to write something more uplifting with a less creepy picture soon, but I had to vent this and move on. Hopefully we'll do something eventful for Memorial Day, besides try to clean all the messes I've been making. Then I'll have that to write about. Sorry you have to look at this in the meantime.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

As promised

First, don't forget about little Gabe below. And, I am still stunned at the many friendly and loving comments that have made their way onto our blog. People are so generous to take time to say the nice things they do. Thank you again!

So, like I said, I had a visit with my doctor this past Tuesday, during which I got to see the little squirts again, which always makes me very relieved and very happy. It seems that it takes about a a week and a half for me to work up some worry, so these appointments come just in time. The identicals, 1 and 2 were dancing up a storm on the screen (they have a flat screen tv on the wall for me to gaze at, which is SO nice), and little 3 was sleeping the whole time. I tried coughing and everything, but he was content just the way he was. But all their heartbeats and sizes were right on track, and by the thickness of their necks, it looks like we are in the clear for chromosomal abnormalities. All good news. It was kinda cute when she was measuring 2, he was moving about so much, but then he settled next to 1 in a little spooning action, and didn't move the rest of the time. They were having some snuggle time, I guess. Poor 3 seems so lonely, but soon enough they'll be so crammed together, we'll want that space back. Since I can't feel lots of movement yet (though I do feel some little flutters and I love it), I forget all the back flips they do, until I see them on the screen. It's just incredible.

The doctor said the babies and I all looks great, and from here on out we'll just take a close look every couple weeks (until a little later when I'll be coming in much more frequently) to make sure it stays that way. She went into all kinds of measures we might have to take to hold off any preterm labor. I say, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But when the nurse started talking to me about hospital registration and all that, I got so excited about the near future and what it holds. It's really happening fast, as slow as it seems sometimes.

Here they are, of course a little hard to see. My little lime-sized babies all with two arms and two legs (I made sure we counted them all).


#2- We didn't get a very good profile of this little one. Number one couldn't stand anyone else in the limelight, he had to make an appearance.

The spooners.

Since we have sonograms pretty often (every two weeks) KC won't be able to make it to all of them. He'll try to come to every other one, as long as everything looks okay. He will make sure and come next time, because if all the babies are cooperating, we just might be able to find out how many girls/boys we'll be having. Then maybe I can start preparing for the little ones. I feel like I can only buy diapers to prepare until I find out. They are technically due Nov. 21, but since they won't make it to full term, we are hoping they make it to about mid-October, which is typical for triplet pregnancies. We can't wait!

Oh, and what is with nausea getting worse at 12 weeks? Isn't it supposed to be letting up now? I know, I need to be patient, but I need some energy back! I'm hoping that when nesting kicks in, I can make up for all the work that I haven't been doing around here. It's hard to have so much to do, and zero momentum to get it all done. But KC is a real trooper and is picking up as much of my slack as he can. I can't wait until I can clean up messes, instead of making them. All in due time (but please let that be soon).

One more thing. I must show off my sister's skills. She drew, and hand painted this drawing of the picture from my previous post. I am amazed at the talent my artistic siblings have.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Want to see something really cute?

Here is Melody and Jonny's newborn son Gabriel! They had him yesterday, a little after 8 am. I actually made my routine morning call to Melody right as she was pushing him out. Yikes! But she did so great and felt well enough to call me back not even an hour after he as born. I heard some of his first cries, and almost cried myself, because I wasn't there in person to witness this little angel. She said he's eating great, and I can just see him getting chubbier by the day. Nice.
We have all been wondering when this would all go down. In fact they were scheduled to be induced that morning, and lo and behold, her water broke in the middle of the night. Hooray! Anyway, more precious pictures and the rest of the details are in their blog, which you simply must see. Julia will be such a great big sister. I can tell.

It's so fun seeing my twin sister become a parent again. She is a wonderful mother, and I can't wait to see a little boy in all her pictures too. They are such a fun family, I can just tell he's going to bring out the fun even more! Her family is so special to me, as are all my siblings. Oh, I just need to be closer to them! Someday, and that day will not come soon enough.

Seeing their pictures make my arms ache for my little ones as I get baby hungrier by the day. But at least they'll share for a while until my arms are fuller than they have ever been. I get to satisfy my appetitie in a few weeks when I visit. And I'll be counting down the days.

(I know I said sono pics were coming, and I've had the post written for days, I've just been too lazy/nauseous to scan them in. They're coming. I just had to get this great news out first!)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother I love you. Mother I do...

We had a gorgeous Mother's Day this year. I couldn't describe more perfect weather. Mid-seventies, and sunny with a warm wind that I just loved breathing in all day. The day started with a delicious grits breakfast made entirely by my love. It was very satisfying, and was a great second breakfast. Then we were off to church. KC is in charge of bringing roses for all the mothers/mothers-to-be. Even the little girls got a beautiful red rose. They were quite tickled. There is a certain warmth in the air at church on Mother's Day, and even when I was struggling to become one, I still felt it and relished in it. I, after all, have a mother to celebrate for, even if I wasn't one myself yet. It was a lovely day at church with many friendly faces to chat with and wish a happy day.(Here you go Lili, and others that have been curious. My twelve week belly gets rounder by the day. KC took the one above before I ready, but it shows the beautiful weather, so I thought I'd include it too.)
After, we took an always looked forward to Sunday afternoon nap. We woke up and started preparing the meal we had planned. Sweet husband of mine did all the grocery shopping the day before (during which he also purchased and brought home a beautiful bouquet of assorted flowers for me-the picture below doesn't do them justice, and the rose from church is a little out of place) for this lovely meal (Sad to say we don't have many of those lately with the zero energy and food aversions, but I think they'll start to make their way into our lives soon again.) We decided on spice-rubbed pork tenderloin, grilled, and a spinach salad with strawberries, pecans, and feta, and some couscous to round it out. Much like our last Father's Day meal. It just sounded so good and summery. KC took full control of the meat, and boy was it juicy and succulent. And I haven't been able to say many good things about anything I eat lately. I guess I'm coming back after all. It was a very delicious meal, and our leisurely walk afterward made for a perfect afternoon.
We were delighted to be able to get in touch with our great friends (practically family, really) the Drapers, and were able to spend the evening with them. They were very generous, and invited us for their dinner, a couple hours after ours. Well, that worked perfectly with my eating schedule, so we gratefully accepted, and had a great time catching up with their darling family A wonderful day, that made my heart swell with happiness for the years to come.

So, I don't even know where to begin when it comes to my mom. She has done so many millions of things for me. I sometimes even feel guilty that I asked her to do so many things when I was younger, when she clearly had so many other things to do. I hardly ever heard a complaint, and that continues still. She sticks up for her beliefs better than I even would have the courage to do, she's one of the smartest and well-read people I know, she had a great sense of style and loves to shop, and everything in between. I have so much to learn from her. It makes my heart ache that she's so far away from me. I wish I could sit on her lap and everyday like I used to when I was little. When she came for Easter, it was mostly to take care of us while I was down with strong urges to puke in my early weeks of pregnancy. She constantly made me snacks and beautiful meals, always thinking of new things to create a variety throughout the day. She helped me shop, since I was in no shape to make decisions at the grocery store, and just talked to me throughout the day. When she left, I thought my life was over. Seriously, I didn't know how I was going to survive the next few weeks/years without her watching over me. I feel like I regressed to my childhood when she cared for me this exact same way. I guess my hormones were out of control and all that, but I still felt such a loneliness without her constant companionship. But she was needed at home, and has other responsibilities to attend to. One very pressing one is helping out with my grandpa who is very sick. I couldn't possibly keep her from that, which I knew she would be so needed, and so good at. And knowing she was going there helped me through her departure and to know that I will be okay, until I get to spend those golden moments with her again soon. She is a special one. I really wouldn't mind turning into her.
I also have gained so much love for KC's mom Janice. She has taken me into the family as if I was one of her own. She is always ready to help, even if we never ask. And she raised KC to be the way he is, for which I'll be forever grateful. He's always talked about his mom with high regard, and I understand why. She is such a kind person. She's always concerned for other peoples' welfare, and I can also learn a lot from her. I am so glad to be added to the family as another daughter. I got pretty lucky with my in-laws.
We love you Moms. It was great, and tearful to reminisce about how wonderful you really are. We never forget your love and generosity. Thanks for everything you do. Happy Mother's Day to all you girls out there, whether you are in the midst of Motherhood, or it's in your future.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

"Oh, I spoke too soon. Looks like triplets."

Okay, I guess I left you hanging a little, so I better continue the story. But I just want to say that we are floored by the number of people that have been so sweet to read our story and share in our celebrations! We had no idea this news would be interesting to more than just our friends and family. Thanks everybody! News travels fast on blogs, doesn't it? Makes ya feel a little naked sometimes. But I always said, when we have a baby, I'm sure I'll be so excited I'll want to announce it to the world (never thinking the world would say anything back). I guess I did just that. The response was more than we deserve.

So on with the story.

My feelings on March 30, 2009 were all over the place. How can anyone prepare for the moment that they find out they have three tiny hearts beating in their body. I was only 6 weeks into the pregnancy, and it hadn't even been 2 weeks since we found out that our years of trying to get pregnant had finally become a reality. How much shock can one person handle in 2 weeks?!

I thought it might be twins. In fact, since the moment I knew I was pregnant, I'd been calling them "the babies" meaning two. I was right in a way. From the second that ultrasound appeared on the screen, we all knew what those two dark spots meant. I exclaimed in excitement that I just knew it was twins. And the doctor present confirmed it. We looked in one and saw the little vibrating smudge, indicating that the heart was beating. But as we looked closer, we saw in the other that there were two beating hearts. This is when the doctor declared the aforementioned quote in the title. There were three babies. Two identical, and one fraternal.

That, folks, has nothing to do with reproductive science. That is an act of God. As are all babies, whether they needed help getting here or not.

I will admit, I became completely terrified, even though I had thought of that as a possibility when we started treatments. But it was always kind of a joke when we'd say we'd be walking away with triplets. KC and I just sat there in silence taking in what this meant. My mind was racing, and I could barely hear what the doctor was telling us. She handed me a tissue, but I was too stunned to cry. The staff was not very happy with this outcome since they strive for healthy pregnancies, and multiples are not always that way. In fact, I think when we saw that it was three she gave us a "modified congratulations," which really kind of hurt. They started naming options like selective reduction, or waiting to see if Mother Nature decides to take one. They were talking about my babies like this. As scared as I was, I was not about to wish any of them away. They said they wanted to see me once a week, for the next few weeks to see how things are going.

Sidetrack: I struggled a lot in those few weeks. I'd be excited and ready one minute, and overwhelmed and depressed another. I know hormones had a lot to do with it, but also seeing the doctors sullen faces every time I got to see my babies (which was supposed to be an exciting time), always strongly suggesting we reduce it to a singleton pregnancy (taking away my precious twins). They almost had me wishing I had gotten pregnant with just one just to make them happy and get off my case. But KC always reminded me that they don't have the same values and faith that we have. They are all about science, and we are all about God and that's where our trust should lie. We would just nod at the things they would say, and leave, trying to shake it all off. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over that place and I just wanted to get out so I could be happy with all of this without them interfering. I think a lot changed when we went to our final visit to our fertility clinic and my mom was there with us. Before they could say anything she thanked them profusely for the blessing they have assisted in, and said how extremely happy everyone in our families are. They couldn't really say anything bad after that, so I think that's when my doctor started to smile with us when we saw our 8 week old babies moving about. And he gave me a hug and made us promise to come back to visit when they are born.

Anyway, backtrack. After that first visit, we walked out of the office just looking at each other, and the picture they gave us. We had to part to go to our different cars (KC was heading to work, and I was going home), and just kept looking back at each other laughing. As he was walking away from me, KC said across the parking lot, "Start thinking of three names!"

After that, I had to make the rounds of calls again. There was a lot of excitement, some thinking it was an April Fools Day Joke (since it was the day before April 1), and just plain amazement. I just can't believe this is happening to us, in my body. I'm still confused.

I immediately thought of the risks involved. I started googling, and was exhausted from all the searching. Then I started thinking of the costs. Then I started thinking of what was going to happen to my body. Three babies?! In one body!? It seems very impossible when it's your body that it's happening to, even when there are multiples born everyday. But, as I continued to research, I was happy to find so many darling families of triplets and other multiple births. I saw that it could be done, so I gained a little bit of confidence that I could do it too. At least enough to be able to lay down and take a nap.

I slept for a while, but woke up amazed that this all wasn't a dream. This was really happening, and KC and I are the ones living it. As the days went on, I started to research some more on the best books to read, how to get discounts on baby product for multiple births, and waiting for my stomach to start growing exponentially. And being sick, and surviving dizzy spells throughout the day. I always felt for the moms who had morning sickness. I was never jealous of that part of pregnancy. But I knew it came with the territory, and if I have to sacrifice a few months of feeling ill to have some babies, I am willing to take it on. I now have a huge appreciation for everyone that has given birth children. It's not an easy task. And I know the fun is just beginning.

So, our little life has certainly changed, and I've never been more excited, or more terrified for anything in my entire life. At some moments, I just want them all in my arms, kissing all of them over and over. And other times, I am so scared of when they will be here and trying to imagine feeding, changing, bathing, consoling, and bonding with all of them. I'm already missing my alone time with KC. But, I know we will be happy. Happier than we've even been. This is what we prayed for. Our family is becoming complete, and I truly couldn't ask for more. We have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams. We thank our Heavenly Father every day (even the most nauseous ones) for these children, and pray that they will arrive safely.

We have had several visits to the doctor being able to see our babies grow before our eyes. At the latest sonogram, the were wiggling up a storm. I think I actually feel it sometimes! I just can't get over the fact that they were tiny embryos a few months ago, and they grew to little people with beating hearts, and arms that wave at us when we get to see them. We are happy to say that we have started going to a specialty practice that has handled many successful triplet pregnancies. Yeah, it's not great going from one specialist to another, but I'm ready to do whatever give my babies the best chance to get here healthily.

I could go on all day, especially having kept it all in for the past three months while so much was happening. Don't worry, pictures will come, but I just wanted to get this bit on the table before I move to more recent events. We have sonogram pictures of them at 6,7,8 and 10 weeks, which are great, but we have an appointment this week which will provide some more detail, so I'll post those in a couple days.

Thank you again for all the kind words everyone. It makes me want to be a better person seeing how kind friends and perfect strangers can be. I brought me to tears over and over again, reading all the lovely things people had to say. I hope we can live up to all the gracious things that were said.

Now, I must eat.

Friday, May 08, 2009

It's amazing how quickly a heart can heal.

Written 3/23/09 to preserve feelings at that time. (Stayed in drafts and was continuously modified over the past few months):

I don't know where to begin. I feel that what we've been through is too miraculous, or too sacred to put into words, but I'll try. There are so many thoughts and feeling going through me right now, this might not all make sense. It's not everyday you experience a miracle, and I feel we have been extremely blessed to do just that. Let me start at the beginning.

We, as you know, have been on the adoption circuit, hearing about possibilities here and there. We put our trust in the Lord, and just knew that soon enough, parenting would begin for us. And, as you may have read before, we underwent several fertility treatments, only to find out devastating news. But the option of adoption always lifted our spirits and we persevered.

But I have a confession. We were doing a final IVF cycle during the time that I posted the protocol. I wanted to post the process while it was fresh, without telling many people we were actually trying again. The doctor told us this really was our last chance (and that chance wasn't good), and we agreed that this was our final attempt. It's too much physical, mental, and emotional trauma for anyone to endure so many times over, especially with my track record. So all we were really doing was finishing up that stage of our lives so we could move on without regrets. I could write all the specifics about that couple of months, and how I had a bad attitude, a lot of doubts, and a lot of anger for putting myself and my husband through that again, but that is not the point. I will say, that those particular two weeks between transferring our darling embryos, until the pregnancy test, were the hardest I have ever remembered, even though I had been there before. I was a wreck, and it was really getting to me. Everything was telling me it had failed again, and I was completely miserable, even though I was trying to tell myself it didn't matter, because we were just doing it so we could move on. I was so upset because we had taken a break of several months between the other three cycles, and I had gotten used to the idea of never being pregnant, and I was so excited about adoption. I was just upset that I let those feelings of hope and possibility creep back in again. And I know we're not the only ones that it took a toll on. Our dear families, they wanted so much for it to work. And our friends have always been there for us. I hated that this involved so many hearts.

The day of the test will be ever ingrained in my brain. Like I said, I had been a wreck for days, and just couldn't stomach the idea of another letdown of such magnitude. I woke up in tears, drove to the office in tears, and couldn't hold them back as they were taking my blood (and not because it hurt-I was used to it by then). The dear nurse that I had gotten to know so well from so many repeated blood tests, was so sweet while she held my hand, got me a tissue, and told me it was just her and I could say anything I needed to. All I could say was this was too much for a person to handle and the tears came liberally flowing. I went into the bathroom and let out my pent up emotions as quietly as I could. What was I doing there? Why was I putting myself through such torture again? My heart was ripping in half. KC knew I was in this awful state, and the poor guy just had to go to work and carry on as normal.

I chose to spend the morning at the temple. We have to wait until the afternoon to hear the results, and I wanted to be in a place free of my phone, and a place where I was literally stuck for hours and couldn't leave. I tried to relax, and I was sitting in the peaceful atmosphere, earnestly praying to just be at peace. I felt so afraid to leave and face the real world. I sat for as long as I could before I knew I should go and get on with my life. And that is really what it felt like. I knew from that moment on, I had to continue with my life no matter what direction it took.

I got in the car a drove home in the beautiful 60-something degree weather, listening to inspirational music, and was actually feeling peaceful for the first time in weeks. When I got home I turned my phone off, got in my most comfortable clothes, and watched one of my favorite shows. I decided, when it was done, to cautiously check my phone, even though I thought it would be too early for them to call. I told KC earlier that day, that I'd probably have them call him instead of me this time. I just couldn't take it again. It almost feels humiliating to get a negative result told to you over the phone. When I looked at my phone, it had three messages waiting for me. My heart almost stopped, because I knew who the phone numbers belonged to. The first message was the nurse who took my blood saying to call her as soon as possible, and nothing more. I quickly moved to the next message and it was KC.

He began by saying that he wasn't quite sure where I was- still in the temple, or asleep or whatever (seriously, it felt like he was babbling on forever before he got to the point)-but then he just said slowly, and kind of stunned and shaky,

"We have great news. . ."

I nearly collapsed there in the middle of my living room. I was crying so loud I couldn't hear what the rest of the message said. I just remember hearing the words: pregnant, freaking out, shocked, positive, etc. I was trembling. I listened to the last message from my primary nurse who always called me with results. She told me again, that the blood test came back positive, and a very strong one at that, and I was indeed pregnant. (Apparently she and about three other people were on speaker waiting to hear my reaction, and I didn't even answer.)

I, the girl to who the professionals said it was almost impossible, am pregnant.

Again, I lost my breath and continued to cry like a baby. I called KC, and when he didn't answer, I left a message. I'm sure it wasn't understandable at all in my state, but I wanted to talk to him all the same. Eventually we got a hold of each other, and neither of us knew quite what to say.

The next thing I did was call my mom, who happened to be with my sisters Amber and Cami. I had to say it three times because she said she couldn't understand me. All she heard was "pregnant" and said I was crying the same way I do when I find out I'm not. I reassured her by saying as clearly as I could, " I am, I am, I am!" There was a mess of screaming in the background and I don't think any of us knew what to do with ourselves. I promptly called Melody next, and she had to pull over, and we just kept agreeing that this was the best possible news we could ever hear. The next couple of hours were full of phone calls to the rest of my family, and KC's family, along with a few friends who knew we were waiting on results. My eyes were swollen, and my smile was permanent. There as a moment when I was just in the middle of the floor, not sure how I got there, but just sat there in fetal position in silence, and just held my tummy, while I said I prayer of thanks.

The happiness of our friends and family was overwhelming. So many prayers have been said, people have fasted, sacrificed for us. There have been so many tears shed, and years of support from everybody. How in world am I possibly supposed to thank everybody that has been so amazingly helpful through all of this? I don't feel worthy of such friendship and love, and truly hope that there is a way, someday, that I can return the favor. I can't stop saying thank you too the heavens in general, and I hope all of you know that it includes all of you that have been there for us, friends and strangers alike. I feel that through all of this, my faith and hope were sometimes hanging by a thread. I do sometimes feel horrible at the toll this has taken on others throughout the years. How it might have hindered with their happiness. But I hope with everything I have that I will be forgiven for the hard times our circumstance have caused others.

And believe it or not, being pregnant after thinking you never will be is actually a very hard transition. Even though this is a dream come true, I started to look at the silver lining of the way my life was going, and it started to sound pretty good. No morning sickness, no stretch marks, no labor/recovery... So to turn my mind around again was another loop in the roller coaster. But, I easily adjusted, and could not be more excited to be a part of such an incredible process.

There is a part of me that has some guilt. While in the infertility circle, we met so many others who are suffering. When someone overcame it, I couldn't help but be happy for them, but I was also extremely jealous that they were out of the woods, and I was still lost. I would hate for my situation to make others feel that way. I continue to pray for those deserving people, that they can reach the level of happiness that comes with being a soon-to-be-parent like I have.

I also want to say that although we have put adoption on hold right now, we gained a huge appreciation and testimony of what a wonderful blessing that would've been in our lives, and are a little sad to have to put it aside. But we are keeping that door wide open for the future.

KC and I can't stop saying how crazy this all is. I love him so much, and he has been an undying support. I don't know how he stays so strong. I know I say "I" a lot, but it's because I am writing. I'm sure he'd have his own page to write, if he wanted to.

So there is our big news that hopefully made a little bit of sense.  Our broken hearts have been replaced my excitement for the future, and so much love for our three little ones.We are still in disbelief of what it taking place in my body (though, as my tummy grows it definitely becomes more real). Twelve weeks down, lots more to go. Our heads are still spinning.

Oh, and did I mention we're having triplets?

Monday, May 04, 2009

An annoying convenience

So we caved and got a land line. But, only because we wanted to switch internet providers, and we found one that had a phone/internet bundle for less than what we were paying before for internet alone. I thought it would be nice to have a land line. Especially since I still have a Utah cell phone number, and those around here that only have land lines always have to pay long distance to get a hold of me. And I won't worry so much about minutes, since I can make routine calls like the doctor, hairstylist, or whatever when I'm at home. We hardly ever go over, but just in case, it's nice to have an alternative.

Anyway, KC ordered a phone he liked online, and it wasn't here yet, so on Saturday he went and got a cheap-o at Walmart just to try it out. I haven't paid much attention to any of that since we still are working out some bugs. But today after my grocery shopping, I all of the sudden heard what sounded like some sort of shrill, high-pitched alarm. I got a little nervous and checked the carbon monoxide detector ready to book-it out of the house. But the sound stopped. And then it came again. So I walked around and saw that the lovely cheap phone KC got was lighting up as the sound was going. Annoyance number one.

I answered thinking it was KC trying out the number or something but it wasn't. I bet you could guess what the first call I ever answered on our very first land line was for. Yes, it was a magazine subscription salesperson. We are ALREADY on their list. I turned them down quick, and had a sigh. Annoyance number two.

If this is what having a phone in the house is going to be like-annoying rings, and annoying calls- take my name off that list. Maybe it will prove convenient in the future, but for now, I'm afraid for it to ring, and afraid to answer it. I think I'll take it off the hook for a while. That is one of the conveniences of having a land line, for sure.