It's amazing how quickly a heart can heal.

Written 3/23/09 to preserve feelings at that time. (Stayed in drafts and was continuously modified over the past few months):

I don't know where to begin. I feel that what we've been through is too miraculous, or too sacred to put into words, but I'll try. There are so many thoughts and feeling going through me right now, this might not all make sense. It's not everyday you experience a miracle, and I feel we have been extremely blessed to do just that. Let me start at the beginning.

We, as you know, have been on the adoption circuit, hearing about possibilities here and there. We put our trust in the Lord, and just knew that soon enough, parenting would begin for us. And, as you may have read before, we underwent several fertility treatments, only to find out devastating news. But the option of adoption always lifted our spirits and we persevered.

But I have a confession. We were doing a final IVF cycle during the time that I posted the protocol. I wanted to post the process while it was fresh, without telling many people we were actually trying again. The doctor told us this really was our last chance (and that chance wasn't good), and we agreed that this was our final attempt. It's too much physical, mental, and emotional trauma for anyone to endure so many times over, especially with my track record. So all we were really doing was finishing up that stage of our lives so we could move on without regrets. I could write all the specifics about that couple of months, and how I had a bad attitude, a lot of doubts, and a lot of anger for putting myself and my husband through that again, but that is not the point. I will say, that those particular two weeks between transferring our darling embryos, until the pregnancy test, were the hardest I have ever remembered, even though I had been there before. I was a wreck, and it was really getting to me. Everything was telling me it had failed again, and I was completely miserable, even though I was trying to tell myself it didn't matter, because we were just doing it so we could move on. I was so upset because we had taken a break of several months between the other three cycles, and I had gotten used to the idea of never being pregnant, and I was so excited about adoption. I was just upset that I let those feelings of hope and possibility creep back in again. And I know we're not the only ones that it took a toll on. Our dear families, they wanted so much for it to work. And our friends have always been there for us. I hated that this involved so many hearts.

The day of the test will be ever ingrained in my brain. Like I said, I had been a wreck for days, and just couldn't stomach the idea of another letdown of such magnitude. I woke up in tears, drove to the office in tears, and couldn't hold them back as they were taking my blood (and not because it hurt-I was used to it by then). The dear nurse that I had gotten to know so well from so many repeated blood tests, was so sweet while she held my hand, got me a tissue, and told me it was just her and I could say anything I needed to. All I could say was this was too much for a person to handle and the tears came liberally flowing. I went into the bathroom and let out my pent up emotions as quietly as I could. What was I doing there? Why was I putting myself through such torture again? My heart was ripping in half. KC knew I was in this awful state, and the poor guy just had to go to work and carry on as normal.

I chose to spend the morning at the temple. We have to wait until the afternoon to hear the results, and I wanted to be in a place free of my phone, and a place where I was literally stuck for hours and couldn't leave. I tried to relax, and I was sitting in the peaceful atmosphere, earnestly praying to just be at peace. I felt so afraid to leave and face the real world. I sat for as long as I could before I knew I should go and get on with my life. And that is really what it felt like. I knew from that moment on, I had to continue with my life no matter what direction it took.

I got in the car a drove home in the beautiful 60-something degree weather, listening to inspirational music, and was actually feeling peaceful for the first time in weeks. When I got home I turned my phone off, got in my most comfortable clothes, and watched one of my favorite shows. I decided, when it was done, to cautiously check my phone, even though I thought it would be too early for them to call. I told KC earlier that day, that I'd probably have them call him instead of me this time. I just couldn't take it again. It almost feels humiliating to get a negative result told to you over the phone. When I looked at my phone, it had three messages waiting for me. My heart almost stopped, because I knew who the phone numbers belonged to. The first message was the nurse who took my blood saying to call her as soon as possible, and nothing more. I quickly moved to the next message and it was KC.

He began by saying that he wasn't quite sure where I was- still in the temple, or asleep or whatever (seriously, it felt like he was babbling on forever before he got to the point)-but then he just said slowly, and kind of stunned and shaky,

"We have great news. . ."

I nearly collapsed there in the middle of my living room. I was crying so loud I couldn't hear what the rest of the message said. I just remember hearing the words: pregnant, freaking out, shocked, positive, etc. I was trembling. I listened to the last message from my primary nurse who always called me with results. She told me again, that the blood test came back positive, and a very strong one at that, and I was indeed pregnant. (Apparently she and about three other people were on speaker waiting to hear my reaction, and I didn't even answer.)

I, the girl to who the professionals said it was almost impossible, am pregnant.

Again, I lost my breath and continued to cry like a baby. I called KC, and when he didn't answer, I left a message. I'm sure it wasn't understandable at all in my state, but I wanted to talk to him all the same. Eventually we got a hold of each other, and neither of us knew quite what to say.

The next thing I did was call my mom, who happened to be with my sisters Amber and Cami. I had to say it three times because she said she couldn't understand me. All she heard was "pregnant" and said I was crying the same way I do when I find out I'm not. I reassured her by saying as clearly as I could, " I am, I am, I am!" There was a mess of screaming in the background and I don't think any of us knew what to do with ourselves. I promptly called Melody next, and she had to pull over, and we just kept agreeing that this was the best possible news we could ever hear. The next couple of hours were full of phone calls to the rest of my family, and KC's family, along with a few friends who knew we were waiting on results. My eyes were swollen, and my smile was permanent. There as a moment when I was just in the middle of the floor, not sure how I got there, but just sat there in fetal position in silence, and just held my tummy, while I said I prayer of thanks.

The happiness of our friends and family was overwhelming. So many prayers have been said, people have fasted, sacrificed for us. There have been so many tears shed, and years of support from everybody. How in world am I possibly supposed to thank everybody that has been so amazingly helpful through all of this? I don't feel worthy of such friendship and love, and truly hope that there is a way, someday, that I can return the favor. I can't stop saying thank you too the heavens in general, and I hope all of you know that it includes all of you that have been there for us, friends and strangers alike. I feel that through all of this, my faith and hope were sometimes hanging by a thread. I do sometimes feel horrible at the toll this has taken on others throughout the years. How it might have hindered with their happiness. But I hope with everything I have that I will be forgiven for the hard times our circumstance have caused others.

And believe it or not, being pregnant after thinking you never will be is actually a very hard transition. Even though this is a dream come true, I started to look at the silver lining of the way my life was going, and it started to sound pretty good. No morning sickness, no stretch marks, no labor/recovery... So to turn my mind around again was another loop in the roller coaster. But, I easily adjusted, and could not be more excited to be a part of such an incredible process.

There is a part of me that has some guilt. While in the infertility circle, we met so many others who are suffering. When someone overcame it, I couldn't help but be happy for them, but I was also extremely jealous that they were out of the woods, and I was still lost. I would hate for my situation to make others feel that way. I continue to pray for those deserving people, that they can reach the level of happiness that comes with being a soon-to-be-parent like I have.

I also want to say that although we have put adoption on hold right now, we gained a huge appreciation and testimony of what a wonderful blessing that would've been in our lives, and are a little sad to have to put it aside. But we are keeping that door wide open for the future.

KC and I can't stop saying how crazy this all is. I love him so much, and he has been an undying support. I don't know how he stays so strong. I know I say "I" a lot, but it's because I am writing. I'm sure he'd have his own page to write, if he wanted to.

So there is our big news that hopefully made a little bit of sense.  Our broken hearts have been replaced my excitement for the future, and so much love for our three little ones.We are still in disbelief of what it taking place in my body (though, as my tummy grows it definitely becomes more real). Twelve weeks down, lots more to go. Our heads are still spinning.

Oh, and did I mention we're having triplets?