A true inspiration

I think everyone who goes through infertility feels like they have gone through so much, and learned so many things along the way, that they could write a book about it. It's like you've been forced into a different life so gradually, that it becomes second nature to speak this new language, or have all these procedures. It happens in so many little step,s that when you look back you realize just how much you've changed and learned. An evolution of sorts. That's why there is so much literature on the topic. I thought reading a book about other peoples' experiences might be therapeutic during this tough time, but with the vast amounts of literature out there, how is one supposed to choose? Enter KC, casually looking through the endless shelves of books at the library. He brought the book Unsung Lullabies to me, asking me if I had mentioned it before. I had, and even had it on a possible Christmas list last year, but sort of forgot about it. I was thrilled that he found this book that I'd heard such raving reviews about, and seriously couldn't wait to crack it open (I made myself finish my book group selection first, otherwise I would've lost interest being so involved in my new find). Little did I know what an impact it would have on me.

When struggling with infertility, you hear about many many people who have gone through the what they call that same pains as you. It's not always pleasant to hear what others have to say: "My friend couldn't have kids for 10 years and then finally got pregnant." (Yeah, that's not too encouraging though it might seem to be.) Or, "My brother has been trying to adopt for 4 years with no luck." (Just fyi, if you have to start a story with "I probably shouldn't tell you this", then you probably shouldn't, even if you feel like that's the only way you can contribute to the conversation.) I don't blame anyone for saying these things. And I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me. I used to be, and still am in their position, knowing nothing about any given situation that someone was going through, and probably saying the wrong things, trying to avoid awkwardness that comes with saying nothing at all. It's a tough position for all parties.

Yet some people are very encouraging with the stories of a successful IVF, or seamless adoption. I love to hear those stories (but I also get very jealous that someone has had success and I haven't yet-something I am trying very hard to overcome). But the point is, no matter what anyone else has gone through, my story is completely different. I still feel alone even with the dozens of stories I hear about people "like" me. This book made me truly realize that what I am going through has been dealt with before, and although that doesn't mean I have less of a trial, it still helped me realize that someone had come out on top, and gave me great instructions on how to do it. It took this book and these authors to do that for me. For some reason it was different than random stories I hear from people around me.

The people in the book sharing their experiences, however, were completely honest in stating that they will be affected for the rest of their lives from this hardship, for better and for worse. That also helped me. I keep thinking that this will all be in the dust one day and forgotten, but at other times I don't think it will ever go away, and I wonder how to deal with it for the rest of my life. It was like they gave me permission to feel whatever way felt best to me at any given moment, and deal with it accordingly. Nothing was right, or wrong. It just is what it is, and that's okay.

It was as if someone had taken the thoughts out of my head, conversations with KC, and words out of my journals as I read. Even thoughts and feelings that I didn't even realize I had. It validated me like I never thought possible. I could honestly take one out of every five sentences in the 260 something-page book and tell you something about my personal experience that related. My mom even read it, and I was so touched by that. When she called me exclaiming how much more she understood about us, and what we are going through, I felt such a surge of relief, like from this point on I'm not nearly alone as before.

I have had my book as a constant companion for over a month, reading, analyzing, crying, feeling upset, and feeling so comforted by the words that were written. I felt like as long as I had it with me, I could get through anything: surprise (or accidental-those are the best) pregnancy announcements, baby showers, or even just chatting with my friends since kids are an inevitable topic among people my age. I don't become upset at anyone in particular in these situations, it's just that what others view as simple, everyday things, are very difficult for me to make it through sometimes. And I hate that they sometimes feel like they have to hold back conversations for fear of hurting my feelings. I'm just feel stuck. I want so much to be involved in what it seems everyone and their dog is talking about, but instead I find myself either sitting there with a stupid smile on my face as I hold back the tears, or trying to relate by talking about my nieces and nephews or the kids I babysit. It's just not the same. But I do care deeply about the things my family and friends are going though, so I make myself ask the right questions, or do the right things, even if I feel like it's scripted. I don't want to deprive myself of these times, or let my friends or family down by not supporting them in their exciting or difficult times. So I keep the book nearby as a reminder that what I am going through is a real part of my life, and I'm not upset all the time for an invalid reason, but a real life-altering trauma that I need to deal with. And it reminds me that I can try to live my life normally under these circumstance, even though I feel like a science experiment, or a charity case most of the time.

If you are, or know of anyone who is dealing with any stage of infertility, and want to know what they are going through, what they need from you, or even what to say, this book is a must read. I can't say it enough. It's like my infertility bible. I'm not telling anyone they have to read it, or to read it as a ploy for me to receive pity, but just the opposite. Especially for those in the throes of this heartbreaking, and courageous time. It really can open your eyes, and instead of giving (or wanting) pity, or not knowing what to say to your loved ones, you can truly know the deep dark thoughts and feelings that they are enveloped in. And come out with answers and lifted spirits.

I could really go on all day (or longer) about this topic, and this blog really is a good place since I hate monopolizing regular conversations with it (like sometimes happens, and I always leave feeling so awkward and rude), but that is for a later date. This was just my review of a book I'll probably read over and over again, reaping the benefits every time. It has put me in a different place than I was before. Not that it is the secret to happiness or anything, but it was what I needed, at the time I needed it, and I think that is why it had such an impact on me. I'm here in this place, and since there is only so much I can do, I might as well get as much out of it as I can. It was true blessing from my Heavenly Father. He only gives us as much as we can handle. I'm truly surprised I've made it this far. I know he had a hand in that. And it's with little inspirations like this simple book.

Ahh. Finally got that all out.