Why is it, that when the kids are in bed, and the day is finally quiet, that I can’t stop thinking about the mistakes I’ve made. Not life-altering mistakes or anything, just a lost-temper here, or a bad judgment there. Things I would change if I could. I just dwell. Why didn’t I learn from the past when I felt like this before? I suppose it’s because I’m human.
I have a short temper, it’s true, and having triplet toddlers can be very fueling at times. It’s just difficult to maintain a ladylike composure when food that I’ve lovingly prepared is thrown on the floor, or at me, without them even taking a taste. When someone with a very dirty diaper decides they want to wrestle with all their strength (and they are getting strong, let me tell you) mid-wipe, when I feel like I don’t have an ounce of energy left. Or when there is a chorus of constant whining for no apparent reason, causing my brain to start rattling. These things, and others, don’t always get to me, but when they do, it’s incredibly frustrating. I do believe that these are opportunities to learn, and grow, and pray, and forgive myself when I do, um, lose it. I can see this is something I really have to work on, since I’m most definitely going to keep making mistakes. I just really wish I was born with a tad more patience so I wouldn't feel so bad when my babies are silently sleeping away like little angels.
What I should be doing in my precious quiet time is turning my thoughts to the good parts of the day. Like Alex kissing me on the lips 10 times in a row saying “kith” with a huge grin in between each one. Bennett crawling into my lap and pulling the blanket onto both of us and staying for a while. Ruby looking out the window while we’re driving, and with her giant smile exclaiming, “Wee, wee!” over and over, as if the parkway is an awesome roller coaster ride. Of course I could go on about the things they do that really do make me feel like I’m the happiest and luckiest person alive. I don’t want to waste this time beating myself up with negative thoughts while I should be enjoying every minute. Seems like a much better use of my time, don’t you think?
I better learn how to deal with all this now, before things get really tough. They’re not even two yet. Yikes! The learning opportunities will be endless! It’s gonna be fun.
7 comments:
That is why babies are the perfect examples of what forgiveness is, because they forget so easily when we are impatient, and love us just as much moments later. Now we all just need to work on forgiving ourselves, which is especially hard when it something we did to our spouse or children.
Also, I wish Alex would kith me 10 times in a row!
I go through the same thing. There have been nights when I lay in bed unable to sleep because I am dwelling on an instance in the day where I lost my patience.
But then I just remind myself that tomorrow is another day, and that I can do better!
Oh Emily! How could you NOT lose your patience every day?!?! If I were you I'd take it as a given, and pat myself on the back every day that you DIDN'T have a major melt down! But seriously, you are human. Also, it's handy to have that prayer-in-your-heart thing going all day to help you keep perspective. You will look back to these days and be amazed at yourself! (I know we all are!)You're a great mom, Happy Mother's Day!!!!!
I echo the other comments, all mothers go through those same feelings. Unsure why, but I think partly because we want so much for our children. Not as wanting things, but in hoping the best for them.
You are an amazing mom!
I think it's natural to feel like this sometimes, about anything really, and it's nice to read on blogs about the good times AND the occasional bad, it makes your experience so much more real and stuff. O babies! I miss them so!
Emily, you're getting it. We're not here to be perfect (as if!); we're here to become humble, grateful, patient, teachable, etc. etc. etc. Bit by bit we can be learning what those things are even as we stumble.
Motherhood (which you are experiencing in a big way) is a doozey of a time to make some progress, if we will.
I've found that beating myself up or pretending it wasn't so bad or thinking I can somehow get it perfectly right next time all get in the way.
The thing that works best is remembering Heavenly Father loves me despite everything and trusting that I have a Savior. Those disappointing hard times can make us look up. That's what they are for.
Simple, but often hard to apply because we want so much to trust in ourselves. With practice it gets easier.
Sorry, it's my favorite topic.
I turn into a demon with the big kids when they wake Christian from his nap early. I'm trying to work on that right now. It never ends (the things to feel guilty about) but you are right that we should enjoy all the good things.
Post a Comment