Infertility Ettiquette

While in my sister's ward last week, I was struck by something during Good News Minute. (That silly phrase makes me shiver as I write it. I think it's actually a ridiculous tradition.) One girl politely announced that she had her court date set to finalize her long-awaited adoption. I was rejoicing for her! There were a few quiet "awes", but they were short-lived when a more vocal, and very pregnant girl announced her induction date set for Tuesday, inviting everyone to bring cookies etc. to the blessed event. There was much laughter and attention brought to this comment. I was a little disappointed. Maybe that ward had already given their congratulations when the adoptive mother received the baby, but every step is huge. Until the court date, that baby could be taken away from them, so I can only imagine the surge of relief they will feel when that is over. I was a little taken aback by that whole scenario, so I thought it would be okay to add this little gold mine of information.

I found this article through a string of blogs, posted originally from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. It's a great association that I have become quite familiar with over the last few years. I am hesitant to post this article because: 1) Though I think it could be beneficial to most everyone, I don't want my blog to become a poster for infertility, or adoption, even though they consume my thoughts almost 24/7. But I do want to try and focus on my life as it is right now, as opposed to what I wish it would be. And 2) I don't want to make people uncomfortable around me just because they have a normal family. I would hate it if my friends or family felt like they had to hold off on conversations just because I am in the room. After all, it's their life, and the most important thing they are involved in at the moment, so who am I to not let them live it. But in the end, (only some of the time-I'm doing better) I do leave feeling isolated, and annoyed, and even bitter that conversations all lead to labor stories, breast feeding, first words, and passing babies around for everyone to giggle at. (See even now, I'm feeling bad for saying this for fear of hurting feelings.) But I don't mind it mostly because of the fact that I'm not letting anyone feel sorry for me. That's definitely something I don't want. And I know that someday I'll join those conversations as well. Though it will be a difficult transition, since I've been ignoring, uncomfortably enduring, or rolling my eyes (only at certain baby shower games and stuff like that- I don't rolls my eyes and regular, valid conversations), for so long.

But I decided that I myself am not following this infertility etiquette for me, not allowing myself the true attention and courtesy that this trauma deserves. I mean, I don't want extra attention because of it, and I feel almost equally weird when the conversation turns to me and my situation, instead of other peoples' happy families, with me being a minority. (I am starting to sound like such a hard persons to be friends with.) It just makes me feel weird to compromise a conversation with my problems while they probably have much more important things to discuss pertaining to their lives. But I'm finally deciding to take care of myself and let these things be known, even if it might make things weird with those around me. And I also think it's therapeutic for me to itemize the things that are making me so depressed, and feel so much anxiety, instead of just wallowing in despair. So this list is for all of us.

I admit, being subjected to comments that might be hurtful is mostly our own fault for being so open about our situation, but only so much time can pass before you almost explode and have to tell someone. Especially when things like "I wonder when their going have kids" start circulating. You kinda just want to yell that you're working on it. But to prevent that outburst, it's probably best to say it in a composed and professional manner before you get to that point. Which is what we have tried to do.

Well that was a longer introduction than I had anticipated, but when I start talking on the subject, there's no stopping me. So, even though I could tell stories about how everything in this has affected me, here are some parts of the aforementioned article that I feel have hit me the most. But the rest of it is also very true and helpful, so go ahead and follow the RESOLVE link at the top of this post for it's full contents:

Infertility Etiquette

By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used. . .

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child. . .

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

• Blocked fallopian tubes
• Cysts
• Endometriosis
• Low hormone levels
• Low "normal form" sperm count
• Low progesterone level
• Low sperm count
• Low sperm motility
• Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem. . .

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized. . .

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.


Other topics in the article include:
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
Don't Be Crude
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Let Them Know That You Care
Remember Them on Mother's Day

There you have it. I couldn't have said it better myself, though I have had these thoughts rolling around in my head for years. I happen to be blessed with very caring friends and family that always seem to have my best interest at heart. But we are all human, and all need reminders now and then. In fact, I say dumb things almost everyday, and I'd love it if someone helped me to understand what I can do for them in their individual hardships and trials.

Thanks for enduring again in one of my infertility rants. It's my therapy of choice, I guess, since I can write to my heart's content and no one has to read it. But in case you did, thanks.