Monday, September 28, 2009

You know, sometimes I actually miss being pregnant.

I know, you are all thinking I'm crazy for saying such a thing. I even think I am a little bit. When I was pregnant, I never thought I'd hear those words coming from my mouth. It's so great that I can now bend over to pick something up, I don't gag at the thought of food anymore, I don't have to make a trip to the bathroom every 5 minutes, I can reach my toenails to paint them, and my legs to shave them, and I'm actually allowed to walk, drive, and get off the couch/bed. But maybe it's that my babies are so far away from me now, when they used to be so close, or maybe it's that they were so much safer inside of me than out, or maybe it's because my pregnancy was cut short and I missed out on those few weeks that other people normally get. But now that it's over, I find myself looking upon my pregnancy as such a special time. I almost feel as if I have to mourn it now that it's over. I really miss it, and I miss my babies being so close to me. Yes, it was a very challenging and uncomfortable pregnancy with a lot of worries, medical interventions, and major adjustments involved, but it was something I will never experience again. Even if I try to get pregnant again someday, it won't be triplets. So it was truly a unique experience, and I feel extremely blessed, and honored to have taken on such a role as carrying triplets in this body of mine. I tried my hardest to relish the time they were inside of me.

I'm not denying that I did a lot of complaining, and wishing it was time for them to come out. Sometimes I was at my wits end, and honestly thought I couldn't make it another day, much less all the weeks I knew I had ahead of me. KC was so good at telling me that I could in fact make it another day, and that it was all going to turn out alright. He probably learned a lot of those great consoling skills from our years of infertility when I would say the same things. My mom also did her fair share of comforting me in my seemingly inconsolable state. I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with while I was expanding so rapidly, so I'm very grateful to have such understanding people by my side.

But as difficult and as long as it seemed, it all feels like a blink of an eye now. I'm trying so hard to take in these precious moments as I watch my tiny babies grow. Up until now, I have wanted things to just fast forward until certain things had taken place. Like, I used to tell KC that I just wanted to fall asleep until all the infertility stuff was over, and I was pregnant, or adopting at last. And then when I was finally pregnant, on the hard days I found myself wishing that again, until morning sickness was over, or until they babies were born safely. But, there were moments during even the more difficult times that I really enjoyed my life as I grew closer to my husband, and learned so much along the way that I wouldn't have otherwise. But sometimes I was just too weak to care about what I was supposed to learn. Or I was selfish and just wanted to get the hard times over with. Sometimes I would just pray to know when and how things would work out, so I could stop stressing over everything and just enjoy the ride. But then I would remember that knowing how things would work out requires very little faith, which I'm sure is a major lesson I was supposed to learn through everything that I've been through.

So, as we are hitting another little bump on this road, with our tiny vulnerable babies trying to live in a place that they shouldn't have to be living in yet, I find myself wishing time could move along again, to a place where my babies are safely in my home, and strong, and well. But I'm trying to learn a lesson from the past, and enjoy every moment, instead of wishing those precious moments away. When my grandma was here, we would talk about how slow the days seemed sometimes. And I told her that I was so grateful for slow days now that I finally have my babies. I 'm sad when a day goes by too quickly, and I hardly had time to think about how incredibly happy I am now, and how blessed, and overwhelmed with joy and love I feel. Of course, I get overwhelmed with worry and fear sometimes too, but it would be so nice if I let this time of my life be without those things. Those feelings have taken over for too long, and it's time to let them go. My babies deserve a strong, faithful, and hopeful mommy, and that is what I am going to give them. It's hard to be strong, loving them so much that my heart aches. Being a mom takes on a whole new level of worry, and it's hard to handle all that love sometimes. But I know I have my Heavenly Father on my side. He loves my family more that I do, which is quite a large amount of love. I will be strong for him too.

So now, as I look at my body covered in stretch marks from my shoulders to my thighs, and look around at my house cluttered with baby gear, and stress about all that has to get done, it all seems like the tiniest sacrifice for the blessings we've been given. I don't think about any of those things when I'm holding them. I can hardly think about anything except that I finally get to kiss the little foreheads I've been dreaming about for so long. I finally get to arrange the tiny clothes in the dresser of the nursery I've been imagining. And I finally get to hold my own children against my chest and listen to them breath. My dreams have literally come true.

I know we are in for some more hard times. I get pretty terrified sometimes when I question if I'll actually be able to do this mothering thing. I wonder if they'll all get the attention they deserve, and if I can remember everything I'm supposed to do. I'm going to try my hardest to be the best mom I can be. And as hard as the days seem, and as much as I'll want to sleep, and as messy as the house gets, I want to enjoy every second. I've been praying for this kind of chaos for a long time, and I couldn't be happier to take it on.

13 comments:

Kristy said...

Why is it that we always seem to want to jump ahead. I guess because it's much easier than accepting and dealing with the challenges that come. I am with you when I want to wish we were in the future already. It is so easy for me to do that when I am stressed out, myles is acting like a two year old, Mayzie is crying and won't sleep, my house is a disaster, and whatever else. It would be nice (I think) if my kids could get them selves ready and fed, entertain themselves, and help with house work. But at that age they aren't going to want me to do anything for them, like comfort them or hug them, and I will really miss this.

Your babies are beautiful as always.

Susan said...

Wow, Emily. I admire you so much. Good perspective here. Your babies are so lucky to have such a loving, dedicated mom! Thanks so much for sharing this, you've helped me realize that I should be enjoying the chaos more too, because it's true, each stage is over so soon!
(As an aside, please please let us know how we can help!)

Dawn said...

I have 4 kids as you know and absolutly hated being pregnant. but now i am done i miss it and wish i could go there again. I think the mother of new babies is always there in all of us. and i wish i had enjoyed it more and relaxed a bit more blah blah blah, we all do it. So I am saying to you now ENJOY IT, THE MESS, THE CRYING, THE FEEDING..... all of it because too soon it's gone and they're all grown up and then you can get a puppy :)

Jann said...

I missed being pregnant too. It always felt like I was missing a piece of myself, after my babies were born. As for being a mom, you have the most important ingredient, love. Yes, you will make mistakes, even big ones. Yes, your house will not be perfect. Yes, your kids will be upset with something you do. None of that matters because when you are trying your very best, and you love them with everything you have, it somehow is enough.

Gerti said...

Oh my goodness, now I have to go back and find out what happened?!?!? You had the babies already?!? I hope they are all doing well (as can be expected (but i'm sure I'll read on). but your post made me teary. :) Love is definitely god given, huh? those precious little beings that we have stewardship over, it is overwhelming, stressfull, fun, and oh so much more! good luck!

melody said...

Motherhood is definitely a "Beautiful Mess." Thanks for your thoughts. I needed to read this today and remember how fleeting each moment really is. Sometimes I just stop and smile, realizing that your dream really has come true after so many years. And after smiling, I usually cry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you for your optimistic perspective, and I'm so glad I read this today! Thanks for reminding me to be grateful for the present.

Unknown said...

Hi Emily. I think it is natural to miss your babies. They should still be in you! And they aren't even nearby. I think you are learning a lot about patience and sacrifice and gratitude.

I also think you have to remember that nobody can care for triplets without help. It's just the way things are. So, let's do it!

I love you so much.
mom

McKayJoice said...

Emily! I came accross your blog and I think I have spend an hour on it, just reading and being blown away!
Last thing i heard about you is that you were tring to adopt. .

I am just so over joyed for you and your 3 little babies! How crazy! how wonderful! I love the way you write, I love how you started to cry after your little babies where born. And your sweet husband sounds amazing. . . So i just wanted to say hello, and Congratulations. You are so wonderful.

Sarah said...

I loved being pregnant. It was fun to feel the flutter, people commenting on how great you looked (even the days when you felt crappy), having an excuse for emotional bursts :), and experiencing the miracle of creating one, or three, beautiful babies!

Unknown said...

Awww. If that isn't the sweetest little sermon I ever heard . . . As Farley says, it causes a lump.

Cami said...

It's true, it's always a little sad when they're out. I love feeling their little kicks, as quickly as I want it to be over. I guess we just have to live in each moment, taking the good with the bad. You'll do great and those kids will always have attention and love each other to death. You know of all people! That special bond makes up for the divided time Mommy gives them.

Cami said...

It's true, it's always a little sad when they're out. I love feeling their little kicks, as quickly as I want it to be over. I guess we just have to live in each moment, taking the good with the bad. You'll do great and those kids will always have attention and love each other to death. You know of all people! That special bond makes up for the divided time Mommy gives them.