You know, sometimes I actually miss being pregnant.

I know, you are all thinking I'm crazy for saying such a thing. I even think I am a little bit. When I was pregnant, I never thought I'd hear those words coming from my mouth. It's so great that I can now bend over to pick something up, I don't gag at the thought of food anymore, I don't have to make a trip to the bathroom every 5 minutes, I can reach my toenails to paint them, and my legs to shave them, and I'm actually allowed to walk, drive, and get off the couch/bed. But maybe it's that my babies are so far away from me now, when they used to be so close, or maybe it's that they were so much safer inside of me than out, or maybe it's because my pregnancy was cut short and I missed out on those few weeks that other people normally get. But now that it's over, I find myself looking upon my pregnancy as such a special time. I almost feel as if I have to mourn it now that it's over. I really miss it, and I miss my babies being so close to me. Yes, it was a very challenging and uncomfortable pregnancy with a lot of worries, medical interventions, and major adjustments involved, but it was something I will never experience again. Even if I try to get pregnant again someday, it won't be triplets. So it was truly a unique experience, and I feel extremely blessed, and honored to have taken on such a role as carrying triplets in this body of mine. I tried my hardest to relish the time they were inside of me.

I'm not denying that I did a lot of complaining, and wishing it was time for them to come out. Sometimes I was at my wits end, and honestly thought I couldn't make it another day, much less all the weeks I knew I had ahead of me. KC was so good at telling me that I could in fact make it another day, and that it was all going to turn out alright. He probably learned a lot of those great consoling skills from our years of infertility when I would say the same things. My mom also did her fair share of comforting me in my seemingly inconsolable state. I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with while I was expanding so rapidly, so I'm very grateful to have such understanding people by my side.

But as difficult and as long as it seemed, it all feels like a blink of an eye now. I'm trying so hard to take in these precious moments as I watch my tiny babies grow. Up until now, I have wanted things to just fast forward until certain things had taken place. Like, I used to tell KC that I just wanted to fall asleep until all the infertility stuff was over, and I was pregnant, or adopting at last. And then when I was finally pregnant, on the hard days I found myself wishing that again, until morning sickness was over, or until they babies were born safely. But, there were moments during even the more difficult times that I really enjoyed my life as I grew closer to my husband, and learned so much along the way that I wouldn't have otherwise. But sometimes I was just too weak to care about what I was supposed to learn. Or I was selfish and just wanted to get the hard times over with. Sometimes I would just pray to know when and how things would work out, so I could stop stressing over everything and just enjoy the ride. But then I would remember that knowing how things would work out requires very little faith, which I'm sure is a major lesson I was supposed to learn through everything that I've been through.

So, as we are hitting another little bump on this road, with our tiny vulnerable babies trying to live in a place that they shouldn't have to be living in yet, I find myself wishing time could move along again, to a place where my babies are safely in my home, and strong, and well. But I'm trying to learn a lesson from the past, and enjoy every moment, instead of wishing those precious moments away. When my grandma was here, we would talk about how slow the days seemed sometimes. And I told her that I was so grateful for slow days now that I finally have my babies. I 'm sad when a day goes by too quickly, and I hardly had time to think about how incredibly happy I am now, and how blessed, and overwhelmed with joy and love I feel. Of course, I get overwhelmed with worry and fear sometimes too, but it would be so nice if I let this time of my life be without those things. Those feelings have taken over for too long, and it's time to let them go. My babies deserve a strong, faithful, and hopeful mommy, and that is what I am going to give them. It's hard to be strong, loving them so much that my heart aches. Being a mom takes on a whole new level of worry, and it's hard to handle all that love sometimes. But I know I have my Heavenly Father on my side. He loves my family more that I do, which is quite a large amount of love. I will be strong for him too.

So now, as I look at my body covered in stretch marks from my shoulders to my thighs, and look around at my house cluttered with baby gear, and stress about all that has to get done, it all seems like the tiniest sacrifice for the blessings we've been given. I don't think about any of those things when I'm holding them. I can hardly think about anything except that I finally get to kiss the little foreheads I've been dreaming about for so long. I finally get to arrange the tiny clothes in the dresser of the nursery I've been imagining. And I finally get to hold my own children against my chest and listen to them breath. My dreams have literally come true.

I know we are in for some more hard times. I get pretty terrified sometimes when I question if I'll actually be able to do this mothering thing. I wonder if they'll all get the attention they deserve, and if I can remember everything I'm supposed to do. I'm going to try my hardest to be the best mom I can be. And as hard as the days seem, and as much as I'll want to sleep, and as messy as the house gets, I want to enjoy every second. I've been praying for this kind of chaos for a long time, and I couldn't be happier to take it on.