How did this happen?

I find that I ask myself this question over and over again. In the best possible way, of course. I guess it's just finally sinking in. After these years of wondering when, and how our family would come about, I now stare into my babies' faces every day and can't believe it's actually happening. I mean, I have three children! What's a better way to end a battle of infertility than to have more babies than you can even hold at once? I just feel so incredibly blessed.

I have had a couple eye opening experiences this past week. There are so many reasons for babies to end up in the nicu. We always knew our babies would be there, even if I made it to my scheduled c-section at 34 weeks. So, we feel like we were prepared, and consider ourselves a best case scenario to be there. All our babies have to do is grow and develop. They aren't sick, and as small as they are, they could've been a lot smaller. So while it's been hard to have them far away, it's our normal, so we haven't had a lot of the sad feelings a lot of other parents in the nicu might experience since they might not have expected their babies to end up there.

One experience I was talking about before was about a tiny 24 week baby that has taken up residence in our room. It seems the smaller the baby, the more equipment and professionals they require. That tiny (she can't be more than 1 lb, and a few oz.) sweet little girl is covered in tubes and wires, and hooked up to several computers. I saw her mom's face when she was wheeled in to see her daughter on her bed the same way I was when I had just delivered. I was overjoyed and excited to see my little ones. Her face was filled with shock, sadness, love, and who knows what else she was thinking. We heard she was conceived with the help of fertility treatments, which broke my heart even more. Every day I look at that little child, and then looked at my three, what now seemed huge, babies, and feel almost guilty to be so blessed. I couldn't stop thinking about that family. My heart aches for them, while it fills more and more with gratitude for my healthy family.

As if that wasn't enough for my heart and head to handle, I ran into a couple ladies in the bathroom talking about their little ones in the nicu. One said hers was a 28 week baby, while the other's was on antibiotics. The lady with the 28-weeker began to tear up as she said she had actually given birth to twins, but one didn't make it. She was trying so hard to be brave and happy to have her one special baby, but was so sad that she should be taking care of two babies right now, instead of one.

Again, it really made me think about all my babies getting bigger by the day, and how much of a miracle it is. So many times I told myself that I should've been able to carry them longer so they could've been bigger. I couldn't understand why the nurses kept telling me that they were good sized babies while they looked way too small to me. And then, I find out about people like those ladies, and realize how many things could've gone wrong. It just makes me so grateful that my heart aches. Of course I knew I was in a high risk circumstance, and was struggling my whole pregnancy to not let my fear get the better of me. So why is it that we always look at what we could've done, rather than what we have accomplished?

I'll pray that those families, and others similar will be comforted in their time of sadness. And I'll keep my continuous prayer of gratitude in my heart for the miraculous little family I have been so graciously given. I don't know how I get to be so blessed, and others have to go through such hard things, but I will never take it for granted, ever.

I didn't mean to make this post so down, but these are just some thoughts I've had lately. I promise the next post will be more upbeat. And more exciting changes to tell you about!